I’ve always liked to journal out my feelings and thoughts whether it was writing them down or typing them out, but I never seemed to keep up with it all that well. When I was in sixth grade, I had this journal that said “I pass notes in class” written on the front cover (funny, right?), and I was pretty active in writing out what was going on in my life that year. I hit seventh and eighth grade, and I found myself updating my journal every few months or even half a year later. Then I wrote in that same journal maybe a few times in high school to write down everything that had happened in my life so far which was a lot.
I don’t know when, but I decided that writing everything down took a lot of time. As you could imagine, it was pretty taxing on my hand to have to write so much since it had been ages since my last entry, so I figured why not just keep a journal on my laptop and type everything out there? It seemed like a great idea in the moment, but alas…I didn’t keep up with it. In all efforts to journal again, I stumbled upon Tumblr, and I found myself resorting to that to type out whatever it is I wanted to share with my friends and with the online world. It was there that I posted what I was struggling with during my high school years like when I doubted my self-worth, my identity, my relationships, and just life in general.
After high school though, I decided to journal out my college experience every single day. I did pretty well for the first couple of months, but then I began to realize a lot happens in one day…like, a lot. I would get up, go to class, do homework, study, hang out, get home really late, and pass out from exhaustion (you know how it is). I was so tired and busy that I just didn’t have the time to write out what happened every day in my journal, so I just started posting things about my college experience on Tumblr when I had the time. Surprisingly enough, I still found myself posting a sad thought here and there like I did back in high school.
I thought my journaling days were over since I hadn’t touched Tumblr in almost a year, but then I found this really cute journal that said, “Life isn’t about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to dance in the rain” on it. Then I thought to myself, “I have to get this. I’m a dancer, it’s relevant! Okay. If you buy this journal, you HAVE to write in it. Otherwise, it’ll just go to waste.”, and that’s exactly what I did. I bought it, and I started to write in it. Just kidding, I didn’t write in it until like 5 months later (clearly I’m really great at this whole journaling thing).
It was the beginning of my second year in college, and I was going to be a leader for my college ministry that year as well. Now, I oftentimes take on too much than I can handle because I like to keep myself busy, so naturally, I was feeling a little tired because I was pouring into the new members from an empty cup. I felt unappreciated, unloved, and I felt like I was being taken advantage of. My friend could tell something was wrong, and I told him, which then he told my two other good friends out of concern for me. I had a conversation with one of them, and he said that I should journal out what I was thinking to help process through my thoughts because there’s something about writing down your thoughts that helps put your frazzled feelings into organized chaos. After I had that conversation, I wrote down everything. Everything from my thoughts, my fears, my struggles to my hurt, and it was from that moment on that I started using that journal to help me process through tough situations.
But somewhere within me still feels kind of empty…like there’s a need to write out what I’m thinking. Maybe it’s the drive to be more proactive about journaling. Maybe because it’s 2 in the morning and I’m fighting to keep my eyes open. Or maybe it’s because I see my friends post things on their wordpress so now I’m thinking maybe I should make a wordpress and do the same. I don’t know. But I do know that the reason why I journal in the first place is to either 1) write out my thoughts 2) process through my thoughts 3) talk about my day or 4) document my experiences/thoughts so my future self can read them later.
All in all, I’ve noticed I think a lot. I have all of these thoughts flowing around in my head, but I have no idea what to do with them. They’re not private enough to write in my little dance in the rain journal, but they’re also not private enough to not share with others either, so I figured…why not? Why not make a wordpress and write out whatever it is my brain decides to think about and just go from there? Why not have a place where I can word vomit without having my hand cramp on me? And so I guess that’s where the name “a loud whisper of thoughts” came to be because well, that’s what it is, or uh…I guess that’s what this is going to be.
So, here you go, friends. Here’s to starting again.