I think I’ve cried more times than I can count this whole year than all my years of living, and more often than not it has had to do with relationships. For a while now I’ve been feeling this sense of loneliness that I just can’t seem to shake off. It’s like this shadow that follows me into every life stage — a sort of lurking feeling that has seemed to engulf my being. Growing up, I never really felt like I fit in. In school, I was the really crazy/hyper/spastic Asian girl — the “weird” one. In dance, I was always the “bigger” girl — the one who teachers would tell to lose weight. In church, I wanted to talk about deeper things — about Jesus. I just never felt like I fit in anywhere.
I soon realized that I felt lonely around 8th grade, and I didn’t realize it until after I asked an older friend of mine, “Do you ever feel lonely?”. She replied, “Well, it comes with being a leader”. I was shocked. I didn’t think of myself as a leader, but as I looked back at all my interactions at church and within my grade, this idea that I was a “leader” became more apparent to me.
And so that was me. A leader. The person who always initiated, who always planned, who always made decisions, who always led the charge, the person that people looked to…It’s not a bad thing, no, but something I feel like I’ve been carrying this image around my whole life. It shouldn’t be a burden (and it isn’t), but it sure does feel like it is sometimes. You see…I think I’ve tricked my brain into thinking that I have to be a certain way, to act a certain way, to hold myself to a certain regard, that I’m expected to do certain things, that I have to be okay all. the. time. None of what I just mentioned is healthy whatsoever, haha, and I realize that. I wrote a blog post about hospitality a while back, and I think while it is a blessing to others — at times, it can be a curse to me. I definitely see the fruit and the reward in making people feel welcomed, loved, and at home, but I give and give and give and serve and serve and serve so much that I just feel empty by the end of it. Then, I’m just left with feeling apathetic, tired, and fake.
But see? This is why I’m pathetic. I shouldn’t even have to feel empty! Seeing the fruit and the reward of my servitude should be enough — it should be MORE than enough. Jesus alone should satisfy me, but He doesn’t. But why?! Why can’t I be satisfied with what Jesus has to offer me? It saddens me that I feel this emptiness inside of me that I know Jesus can fill, yet it remains empty still. I feel pathetic in that when I feel lonely, I cry. When I’m alone in my apartment, I cry. When my boyfriend leaves for the night, I cry. I cry for what seems to be all. the. time. I just feel pathetic. I feel lonely, but I don’t want to be needy. I want people, but I don’t know who to go to, who I can turn to, who would be willing to listen and go through this struggle with me. You’re probably thinking, “What?! You’re kidding, right? There are SO many people who love you, care for you, blahblahblah.” Yeah, that’s probably true, but the people that I have shared my life with, who I have confided in, who I have been vulnerable with — don’t seem to have the same interest in wanting to pursue a relationship with me. So then I’m left once again to be by myself. Alone. Now you’re probably thinking, “Wait. Didn’t you say you had a boyfriend? What about him?”. Yes, you’re right, but when I want to go to him, he’s not always available or he has to go home or it’s late or it’s something. I feel like I can’t go to him when I want to, nor do I want to keep him from being with others. Also, as great of a guy he is, I need my girls. I need girls that I can live life with — girls that will stick by me through the end.
So yeah…I feel pathetic. I thought I was feeling better in combating against loneliness, but these floods of emotion just keep coming back to drown me. I’ve probably cried once a week since school started in late August, and so yeah, I think me feeling pathetic is pretty accurate. I honestly feel like a pathetic human being — an emotional, needy, lonely, pathetic little girl.