Dear Me

In the midst of your struggles, your insecurities, and the lies that speak louder than the voice in your head…

Don’t forget that you have people. You may not have a “group” like you’ve always dreamed of, but God has placed good and true people in your life as a source of joy, comfort, and encouragement during your most troubled times. These friends have weathered through some of the toughest transitions and circumstances with you and never left your side once. These friends supported you and stood by you even when things got really messy. These friends kept up with you even if you were thousands of miles away. These friends care and adore you and will always want to meet up with you no matter how long it’s been. Don’t forget that you are not alone. Loneliness is but a fog that keeps you from seeing what you already have in front of you. It’s a trap that makes you believe that you are lost and alone forever while it snuffs out the light that you know is there. It’s about perspective because in that moment, you may believe you are lonely, but you really aren’t. You never will be. God’s with you every step of the way, and with Him darkness never wins. He will guide and protect you as you fall into this pit of despair – all you have to do is look up.

Don’t forget that he chose you. He didn’t choose any other girl – he chose you. He chose to pursue your heart and a relationship with you. He chose to be courageous and vulnerable despite how difficult it was for him. He chose you even though in his head he thought that door was already closed. Don’t forget that he cares. No matter how long or how intense a talk may be, he’s there. He sits in those long silences and listens, talks, and processes with you. Even if he has homework or if he’s really tired, he’ll sit there and work it out until everything’s okay. He accepts you and loves you for who you are – ugly crying and everything. He looks forward to talking to you whether it’s online, through video chat, or in person. He wants to see you, and he wants to know about what’s going on in your life. Don’t forget that he loves you. He may not express it out loud very often, but he does with his actions. He’s cooked, cleaned, and walked your dog for you. He tells you to text him when you get home whenever you drive back home. He took care of you when you were sick, tucked you into bed when you were too tired to walk, and he’s made it up to you whenever he’s messed up. Even when everything seems to be so terribly wrong, everything written above is true and stands true no matter what your thoughts and emotions say otherwise. This is true.

Don’t forget that God loves you. He created you in His image and breathed life into you. He sent His son down to die for you on the cross so that you can be with Him. Your worth and value is in nothing else but Him. No matter how many times you mess up, God loves you nonetheless. His love for you is unconditional, and His grace is plentiful. No matter how far away you may feel from Him, He is always seeking after you and your heart. He knows every fiber of your being, and this is but a season of growth where God is continually molding you to become more like Him. He is constant. He’s faithful and good, and He always will be. In your darkest times, He was there. He gave you a sense of peace and comfort that you wouldn’t have any other way. He’s blessed you with friends, family, and a comfortable way of life. He’s given you opportunities to further His kingdom and opportunities to be a blessing to others. Everything He’s done, He’s done with your best interest at heart.

Don’t forget these truths

in the midst of your struggles, your insecurities, and the lies that speak louder than the voice in your head…don’t forget.

13 days

13 days until I walk across the stage only to close a chapter to begin another.

Months and days ago, I was excited – ready. Ready to leave, ready to move on, and ready to embark on this new and upcoming season of life. I was ready.

It was all bittersweet.

A tinge of happiness and excitement paired with a reminiscent sadness. I wasn’t ready to leave the place that had been “home” for the past 4 years, and I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to what was familiar and comfortable – to my friends and “family”. I wasn’t ready.

So here I am…13 days until I walk across the stage only to close a chapter to begin another, and the excitement is fading as the fear is creeping in.

I’m scared.

Scared that every lie and twisted thought I had once thought before would come true when I return back home to a place that’s familiar yet unfamiliar all at the same time. Scared of all the hardships that inevitably come with transition and change and scared to start all over again to find where I belong in a puzzle that I once fit in.

I feel vulnerable.

Like I’m being stripped away of everything I once knew only to be bare and naked in a world that was once a familiar place. No recollection of who I was before this downward spiraling cycle of self-worth and identity. So who am I? Who am I without the titles, the responsibilities, the roles? Vulnerable to change and falsehood, a blank slate is what describes this uneasy and terrifying feeling.

But I know.

I know that change is hard. I know that with transitions comes growth. I know that this will not be easy, but I know it will be worth it. I know there will be good that comes from this, and it will be okay because I know God’s got me. So I mustn’t let fear control me – I must let go. I must protect and guard myself against the attacks and the lies that are thrown at me and lean into who God is to remind myself of His constant and good truths.

So here I am…13 days until I walk across the stage only to close a chapter to begin another – ready for the challenges and the hardships that I may face in the upcoming year.

Too Busy Not To Pray

I finally finished one of my many books that I bought 3 years ago LOL
A lot of what I read really stuck out to me and spoke into my life, so I wanted to consolidate it all in one place rather than having to flip through my book later down the road haha so here we are 😛

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God simply conveyed, I’m able. I’m enough for you. Right now you doubt I have a purpose in all of this, but please…trust me.

A life of prayer is the qualitative difference made in one’s relationship with God.

Perfect peace comes only through relating with the Peacemaker himself.

The truth of the matter is that God is anything but reluctant to hear from his children. He’s your Father and he wants to hear what you have to say.

Pray regularly. Pray privately. Pray sincerely. Pray specifically.

If prayer is important to you, then you’ll find time to do it.

Faith comes by looking at God, not at the mountain. God is ready to use me. And when I focus on God instead of my mountain, he channels through me his grace and his power.

My prayers were futile because I was looking at my inadequacy instead of God’s adequacy.

God gives us faith as we walk by his side.

If the request is wrong, God says, “No.” If the timing is wrong, God says, “Slow.” If you are wrong, God says “Grow.” But if the request is right, the timing is right and you are right, God says, “Go!”

Authentic Christians are persons who stand apart from others, even other Christians, as though listening to a different drummer. Their character seems deeper, their ideas fresher, their spirit softer, their courage greater, their leadership stronger, their concerns wider, their compassion more genuine and their convictions more concrete. They are joyful in spite of difficult circumstances and show wisdom beyond their years.

The archenemy of spiritual authenticity is busyness.

If you remain sensitive to the Holy Spirit’s promptings and cooperate with them as you receive them, you can trust him to guide you into the truth and to help you grow up as a Christian.

All promptings that come from God are consistent with his Word, the Bible. God’s promptings are usually consistent with the person he made you to be. God’s promptings usually involve servanthood.

• If a prompting requires you to make a major, life-changing decision in a very short period of time, question it.
• If a prompting requires you to go deeply in debt or place someone else in a position of awkwardness, compromise or danger, question it.
• If a prompting requires you to jeopardize — not to mention, shatter — family relationships or important friendships, question it.
• If a prompting creates unrest in the spirits of mature Christian friends or counselors as you share it with them, question it.

When you increase you awareness of God’s presence, you gain divine companionship, supernatural confidence, and increased compassion for other human beings.

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What you just read were all excerpts from the book, ‘Too Busy Not To Pray – Slowing Down to Be with God’, so if you liked it or are a busy body like me, I highly recommend checking out this book! It’s good stuff (:

Selfless Love

A while ago I saw this video on Facebook called “Blind Devotion“, and I think I’ve been seeing this kind of blind devotion in and around my life too.

2 weeks ago I had a test and had to study for my practical which was a week after. Busy with other stuff in addition to studying, I couldn’t afford to spend the little time I had on cooking or washing the dishes although I would do it reluctantly anyway when I had to. I remember one time my boyfriend came over, made dinner for us, and washed dishes as he sang away in the kitchen while I was in my room studying. Him doing that made my heart very, very warm, and I remember feeling oh, so loved in that moment :’)

Fast forward to 2 weeks later, and it’s the first weekend of spring break. My family and I went to watch The Illusionists, and during intermission, my mom had expressed that we didn’t have any programs. I quickly told my parents that we should go back inside before the 2nd half of the show starts, and as my mom and I made our way to the door, we realized my dad wasn’t behind us. Confused, we stood there looking for him but couldn’t find him. We thought maybe he had gone to the bathroom or something haha, but after a minute or so, he appeared around the corner holding 3 programs. Though it was just a simple program, my dad heard my mom and went to get programs even though she never asked for it. Not sure if my mom saw through my dad’s silent act of love, but I definitely did.

I’m not too entirely sure if one would consider these two instances as the same as what was seen in the blind devotion video, but I think after watching the video, I’m definitely more aware and more conscious of these small acts of love that do happen and how blessed I am to have people in my life who love me. If anything, it has definitely encouraged me to love others more selflessly – not to look good or to gain credit, but simply because I want to love on people out of my genuine deep care for them – to act willingly, selflessly, and lovingly before being asked to.

“Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and truth.”                                                                                                                                                           – 1 John 3:18

I Cried Today

Growing up, I cried a lot.
In the shower, in my room, in my closet, in my bed.
Growing up, I cried a lot.

Today, I cried.

Not about the same things as young me once cried about, but nonetheless, I cried today.

With my parents in the room next door and popping their heads in and out of my door, I quickly sniffed everything back in, wiped my tears, and attempted to pretend everything was okay.

A part of me wonders if my parents knew I was crying. I know they’ve heard me cry in person many times, but I’m not sure if they ever knew when I was crying in my room. Who am I kidding, I’m sure they did. So as I stood there shaking, leaning over my sink after my phone call today, I wondered to myself if my parents heard my woes and thought to themselves – what a familiar sound – and knew that

I cried today.

 

Enough

Why is it

that every time we talk

it ends with me

and you

yelling

Why do the words

you speak

always make my blood

burn and boil

Why are the tones

you use

always sound so

condescending

Why do you speak and act

the way you act and speak

where your standards

are far from reaching

Why is it

that no matter what

i say or do

it never is

enough

1/4 done.

// I’m really terrible at keeping up with this blog LOL, but I kind of miss it merp.

As I’m now almost 4 weeks into my last semester of college, I’ve found myself sharing and reflecting about my past experiences and realizing how far I’ve come since my bright-eyed and bushy-tailed freshman self.

It’s been one crazy ride.

In my most recent post, I wrote about how I felt pathetic and that I hated feeling lonely and sad all the time because the thing I craved for the most was community, yet I felt like I didn’t have it.

I got really angry and frustrated with my personality, my tendencies, and where God had placed me in my college ministry. I hated that I was the initiator, the planner, the leader, and the senior. I wanted so badly for people to reach out to me, and when they didn’t, I thought that something was wrong with me or I wasn’t fun enough — I started to attack my self worth. It sucked. At first, I thought all of this was just in my head…just doubtful thoughts that weren’t real, but a close friend of mine had unknowingly hurt me which made me realize it wasn’t just in my head…it was real. People really didn’t want to hang out with me — even one of my closest friends. I started to question everything. Who were my friends? Did I make the wrong friends in my early years of college? How do you make friends? Do I even have friends? I’ll admit…it was bad. I started to question God, asking Him why He made me the way He did, why I had to try so hard to find community where community came to others so easily, why I was left with (once again) no community…the one thing I had always prayed for. I was frustrated and angry – I just didn’t want to try anymore.

As the semester went on, I was reminded by God and others that He had made me in His image. He was intentional and purposeful in creating me with the strengths and gifts that I have, and I was reminded of how He’s used those same strengths and gifts to glorify His kingdom — how He’s used me to further His kingdom and Epic. Even though I was reminded of these things, I still felt empty. I still felt lonely. I so desperately wanted to get out of this funk and move forward from this state of loneliness, but I just didn’t know how to.

Halfway through the semester everything was made clear to me.

During my church’s college group retreat, the speaker talked about how we needed to be in awe of God and the Word. The passion and weight of the speaker’s words really spoke to me. Everything I had heard before and during the retreat made me realize there was an underlying issue that I wasn’t even aware of. I didn’t love God as much as I used to. In the midst of my loneliness and everything else, the lens that I saw everyone around me in was negative and toxic. I wanted to spend time with people, but I also didn’t want to be around people. How does that even work??? Beats me lol. The love I had for God before was so great that it overflowed in my own life and to those around me, but I hated people — I didn’t want to be around anyone. It made me sad. Sad because I wasn’t seeing people the way God sees them, and I wasn’t seeing myself the way God saw me. Sad that I had lost this awe and love for Him that once overflowed from me.

I broke down crying.

I was so caught up in what I wanted and what I needed that I lost sight of God altogether. I was being selfish. I was so focused on myself that I had lost sight of God in the process of it all. Things that I had heard and read started flooding my thoughts.

>> A few weeks prior, a friend randomly sent me an article about self-worth and how it was about a lack of awe in God more than anything else. Intrigued, I read it.

Picture this.

You’re playing a game on your phone as you’re walking through a forest of tall redwood trees. A friend tells you to stop playing and look at the trees – you don’t hear them because you’re too engulfed in your game. Your friend, amazed at the trees, tells you again to stop playing and look at the trees. Reluctantly, you do it, but you tell yourself only for a split second because you’re in the middle of your game.

You look up.

Captivated, you’re struck by the size and magnitude of these trees. How the trees reach for the skies and stretch across for miles everywhere you turned. You were in awe and taken aback by the beauty of these magnificent trees and realizing how small you were in the grand scheme of things. Captivated, you forgot about your game. <<

It all made sense to me. I realized that I had put all my focus on myself and my lens on life was so small that all I could see was the loneliness, the pain, and the frustrations there were right in front of me and nothing else. I had questioned where God was through all of this not realizing that He was there the entire time. I just had to look up. Sometime during this, I read in a book “My prayers were futile because I was looking at my inadequacy instead of God’s adequacy”. I realized I had made God so small. I didn’t think He cared or that He could help me or that He even heard my cries of desperation, but the truth is He did. He had orchestrated this crazy plan to reveal how He was there for me and how much He loved me, but I was too blind to see it because I was so focused on myself.

Though this process was extremely hard and painful, God continued to seek me out and to reveal Himself to me. My whole mindset changed. My heart for people and for God, and the way I saw myself had been renewed.

As I’m now almost 4 weeks into my last semester of college, I’m beyond honored that God is using me to reach students on my campus. Though it may be physically and emotionally taxing at times, it is so cool to see how God is working in the hearts and lives of those around me, and I get to be a part of that! God is so cool.

So here’s to growth, pain, experiences, and more. Let’s go, God.