do you ever feel like sometimes technology can’t keep up with how quickly your brain functions? funny how it’s supposed to make our lives faster and more efficient but sometimes i wish the tech i use could just keep up. like seriously, come on now.
treading through deep waters is a dangerous thing
today’s not even a holiday and it still stings.
thanksgiving, christmas, and new years was all really hard to get through because y’know – it comes with so many memories from previous years.
but something about valentine’s day just stings a little bit more. now as a recent single person experiencing valentine’s day – it really sucks lol. i don’t think i’m at the stage where i’m ok with being single. i mean don’t get me wrong, i think singleness has its perks, for sure. there’s a lot of freedom that comes with it, and i’ve enjoyed it thus far but i think having recently been in a relationship, i miss that companionship. i really liked being in one despite all the ups and downs, fights and make ups, and all the mess that comes with it.
not that we did anything special during valentine’s day – but it’s during these times and during the holidays that everyone posts pictures with their SOs and being all cheesy. which, again, don’t get me wrong – i love all the cheese. it’s just hard not to think about him. i think my brain has wired itself to go on autopilot, and as i’m thinking about other things going on in my life, i find thoughts about him slowly creep in and i get frustrated, sad, and hopeful. all really contradicting thoughts tbh.
but honestly, i miss being in a relationship. i miss intimately living life with someone else. i miss loving someone so deeply and being loved just as much in return. whereas singleness is a gift, so is a relationship and idk i miss the beauty of being in a relationship – the beauty that comes from 2 very broken people striving towards grace, love, and compassion. but sigh, i’m finding it really hard to let go especially since i knew this wasn’t what we wanted but what we felt like was best. and this is why i want august to come sooner…faster. because maybe, just maybe i’ll be over it all by then.
but to end on a happy note – i’m glad that i have friends and family to hang out with this valentine’s season, blessed in fact. this year’s valentine’s is different, and that’s okay.
so a couple of weeks ago i decided to recreate this dance video and lo and behold that’s what i did.
as a dancer myself, i thought this dance would be really fun to learn and do and because i’m doing a gap year, the idea of recreating it popped up in my head because well…i have all the time in the world right now lol. but also #whynot 😛 but it doesn’t stop there, no, i then proceeded to think how i could buy a wig too and that i did.
i spent countless hours recording and editing my videos, and i finished it last night. after i posted it on social media, i laid in bed intrigued by the idea of boldness.
it’s funny really.
i spent roughly 10 hours DANCING in public wearing an afro wig and honestly if you saw me from the back, you’d think i’d look like an asian mom hahaha. not to mention these dance moves were pretty outrageous (in a good way). and while, yes, i did feel utterly ridiculous, i was also like SCREW IT IT’S FUN THIS IS FUN I’M FUN. like it was so ridiculous that the circumstances didn’t even matter haha. and then to top it off – i post it online HAHA. but i genuinely wanted to make this video purely for my own enjoyment so maybe that’s why i was more okay with being bold in the sense of dressing up in crazy outfits and dancing wildly in public – who knows 😛
[but let’s explore that a bit.]
even though i’m a dancer i don’t like to dance in public/in front of friends (i.e. those big dance circles that form at dance parties), and there will be other times where i don’t want to wear certain things in public (examples escape me atm rip) but then i ran around my college campus dressed in a white rabbit costume to help market my organization so really, who knows????
in other cases i’m super closed off and shy like when i enter a big room filled with lots of people and i’m supposed to meet + greet but i’m too shy to say anything or even at a store/restaurant and i just get so nervous to say what i need/want to say in that moment. but then there are moments where i will say whatever it is with total ease…
//that got me thinking…why was i able to be so bold in some cases but not all of them?//
i definitely feel less scared/more bold when i have another person with me. so when i had my wig on – i felt less timid because i wasn’t alone.
maybe it’s a heart thing like in my previous post about going to the movies by myself – where my heart overrules my brain and it’s just like SCREW IT.
or maybe it’s the audience? if i’m being ridiculous in front of people i know, i feel like i can be more bold and upfront with who i am but i’m more closed off to strangers. but that could go the flip side too of i can be as crazy as i want because they’re strangers and i’ll never see them again shrugs – many possibilities whoooooo.
in other times it may be my current mood/situation – am i feeling more extroverted or introverted, what is the current need and do i absolutely need to interact with said person/people, or am i simply just tired lol.
like everything else in the world – i don’t think it’s so black and white. i think it depends on so many factors like i just mentioned and there are countless more that i couldn’t think of i’m sure, but i dunno – i just found it so interesting to recount the times where i was and wasn’t bold and how different each case was and it intrigued me so.
it really takes you in for a spin, doesn’t it?
for the longest time (maybe my whole life) i always thought it was weird to go to the movies by myself. the thought alone made me feel awkward and uncomfortable because i’ve always gone with a group.
a few months ago, God challenged me. He made me realize that i had idolized the idea of companionship because i felt the need to always have someone to go do things with because of the awkwardness that i felt . but nope – after God revealed that to me, He basically said ‘you don’t need anyone because you have me‘ and just like that i was slowly learning what it meant to have Jesus as my friend. this process really challenged me to not only try new things but to learn to be by myself and realizing that i don’t need people – they’re blessings in my life and i need to learn to enjoy the company of my Lord and Savior.
so the first thing i did on my own was…you guessed it…watch a movie by myself :3
this was back in early november, and i had just gotten back from my first ever pt school interview. i found out the following weekday that I GOT ACCEPTED. it was crazy yall. i decided to celebrate by finally watching the foreigner (it was on my ‘movies to watch’ list) and the crazy thing is that i was excited to go by myself! i literally thought to myself ‘OMG I’M GONNA GO CELEBRATE BY WATCHING THE FOREIGNER BY MYSELF. THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT.’
i have never in my life had that thought. ever.
and what was crazy was that i actually enjoyed the experience!
i will admit it was a little awkward walking into the theater, knowing i was watching alone. a part of me was anxious that i was going to get judged but the rest of me was like ‘YO GIRL. WHO CARES. U GOT ACCEPTED. LET’S CELEBRATE YASSS.’ (haha).
besides that – the whole experience was pretty great. for one, i had the whole theater to myself (which was AWESOME), and i dunno….it was just really chill and relaxing haha. i guess it’s hard to put into my words how i felt but i would 10/10 recommend you try watching a movie by yourself (:
i left feeling really proud of myself, beaming with excitement from how great of an experience that was and anticipation for the next time i watch a movie by myself again.
it just goes to show how the heart and mind play such a huge part in how we live our lives. for the longest time, my brain was totally against watching a movie by myself but my heart suddenly felt compelled to and pushed me to do it against everything my mind was saying. it’s like that pixar short (see here)! and in the end, it was a new experience that i thoroughly enjoyed, surprising myself in the process. i can’t imagine all the other things in my life that my brain had said no to but my heart was screaming yes…all those missed opportunities and experiences.
because you see, i’d say i’m a pretty adventurous and bold person. heck, i wanted to go to a college where i knew no one! but a lot of the times my brain is always analyzing (and over analyzing) the pros and cons, the cause and effects, and all the concerns and fears while my heart is thumping its imaginary foot like ‘come onnnnn already – let’s just do it!’. then i get those times where my heart is silent and my brain just makes a decision for me haha, but there are countless other times where my brain is like ‘yeah screw it – let’s do it’ and my heart is like YAY FINALLY.
as you can see…there are many possibilities and countless combinations merp.
but i think it’s because of that initial call out from God that really sparked in me to try new things and to do things on my own because i genuinely wanted to. in short, it really motivated me to live boldly and courageously in everything i do.
so i signed up for an 8 week tap dance class, i watched another movie by myself, and i have so much more planned for the rest of this year. this process has really helped me to take initiative in my life and to, as cliche as it is, just do it.
so here’s to being bold! here’s to new things.
why don’t you try it with me?
today would have been two years.
i’d be lying if i said i’m not angry, bitter, disappointed, sad, and hurt because honestly…i’m all of the above.
but some part of me feels at peace with the whole thing, comforted even. i’ve learned a lot, grown a lot, and made so many new discoveries and connections that i wouldn’t have known previously.
with all these emotions at war inside me…the feeling of doubt, fear, and uncertainty cloud over all like ashes falling from the sky.
it’s complicated.
a part of me is is still hurt by the things you’ve said to me, desperately trying to find healing but realizing that only time will heal these open wounds.
a part of me wonders how you’re doing. if you’ve thought about us…me. if the little things in your day to day life remind you of all our memories together.
a part of me wants to push you away but my heart still loves you so, so deeply.
it’s confusing.
i’m still trying to make sense of everything. i’m trying really hard not to though because you know me – i over analyze and over think things way more than what’s good for me.
from when this whole process started to where it ended – it was hard to wrap my head around how perfect we were in so many ways but realizing that where we were spiritually…it wasn’t.
it’s hard.
it’s hard not to think about us in the future – about the plans we had for this upcoming year.
it’s hard not to think about how we won’t be as involved in each others’ lives as we used to be. it’s hard to not live life together anymore.
it’s hard not talking to you still…even though a part of me doesn’t want to.
it’s hard not to miss you. your smile, your laugh, your hugs.
but today isn’t 2 years. it’s january 31st.
it’s just another day.
it’s a wednesday. the middle of the week. hump day.
and it’s time for me to move forward. it’s time to let go.
it’s time to write over those hopeful events with new stories – new adventures – new memories.
what we had was good. though we were struggling hard with our own spiritual life – these past 2 years will always be dear to me as will you.
but i can’t look back anymore – i need to look forward because today’s just january 31st and
tomorrow’s a new day.
i just got back from watching the newest maze runner movie.
as i waited for that final ‘cellphones ruin movies’ announcement, i sat back and watched countless trailers. some i’ve already seen before.
then something really interesting happened – something i didn’t quite take notice of before.
the trailer for alita came on. the instant i saw her big eyes, i simultaneously heard the soundtrack playing in my head before any sound began to play. having seen this trailer before, my brain anticipated it. it remembered what it had heard and seen from months ago and in that quick moment – it did a playback.
it’s kind of like how certain things around you trigger different memories associated to that memory. people, smells, items, situations, and the list goes on. you sort of have a flashback – you hear and see those things that your brain associated to what you’re currently hearing and seeing.
funny how our brain makes all these connections on its own – as if it’s trying to make sense of all the crazy stuff we went through during our time on earth.
or maybe we unconsciously long for these connections. finding ways to connect to the people and the world around us – clinging closely to these memories because they make up who we are.
or maybe our brain’s just showing off its knowledge and skill haha. working right under our noses (or i guess in this case – skull), acting in stealth mode to where we aren’t even aware that our brain is active.
idk – it’s kinda cool. now let’s see if you can catch your brain in the act.
