Selfless Love

A while ago I saw this video on Facebook called “Blind Devotion“, and I think I’ve been seeing this kind of blind devotion in and around my life too.

2 weeks ago I had a test and had to study for my practical which was a week after. Busy with other stuff in addition to studying, I couldn’t afford to spend the little time I had on cooking or washing the dishes although I would do it reluctantly anyway when I had to. I remember one time my boyfriend came over, made dinner for us, and washed dishes as he sang away in the kitchen while I was in my room studying. Him doing that made my heart very, very warm, and I remember feeling oh, so loved in that moment :’)

Fast forward to 2 weeks later, and it’s the first weekend of spring break. My family and I went to watch The Illusionists, and during intermission, my mom had expressed that we didn’t have any programs. I quickly told my parents that we should go back inside before the 2nd half of the show starts, and as my mom and I made our way to the door, we realized my dad wasn’t behind us. Confused, we stood there looking for him but couldn’t find him. We thought maybe he had gone to the bathroom or something haha, but after a minute or so, he appeared around the corner holding 3 programs. Though it was just a simple program, my dad heard my mom and went to get programs even though she never asked for it. Not sure if my mom saw through my dad’s silent act of love, but I definitely did.

I’m not too entirely sure if one would consider these two instances as the same as what was seen in the blind devotion video, but I think after watching the video, I’m definitely more aware and more conscious of these small acts of love that do happen and how blessed I am to have people in my life who love me. If anything, it has definitely encouraged me to love others more selflessly – not to look good or to gain credit, but simply because I want to love on people out of my genuine deep care for them – to act willingly, selflessly, and lovingly before being asked to.

“Dear children, let us not love with words or speech but with actions and truth.”                                                                                                                                                           – 1 John 3:18

Selfless Love

I Cried Today

Growing up, I cried a lot.
In the shower, in my room, in my closet, in my bed.
Growing up, I cried a lot.

Today, I cried.

Not about the same things as young me once cried about, but nonetheless, I cried today.

With my parents in the room next door and popping their heads in and out of my door, I quickly sniffed everything back in, wiped my tears, and attempted to pretend everything was okay.

A part of me wonders if my parents knew I was crying. I know they’ve heard me cry in person many times, but I’m not sure if they ever knew when I was crying in my room. Who am I kidding, I’m sure they did. So as I stood there shaking, leaning over my sink after my phone call today, I wondered to myself if my parents heard my woes and thought to themselves – what a familiar sound – and knew that

I cried today.


I Cried Today

1/4 done.


// I’m really terrible at keeping up with this blog LOL, but I kind of miss it merp.

As I’m now almost 4 weeks into my last semester of college, I’ve found myself sharing and reflecting about my past experiences and realizing how far I’ve come since my bright-eyed and bushy-tailed freshman self.

It’s been one crazy ride.

In my most recent post, I wrote about how I felt pathetic and that I hated feeling lonely and sad all the time because the thing I craved for the most was community, yet I felt like I didn’t have it.

I got really angry and frustrated with my personality, my tendencies, and where God had placed me in my college ministry. I hated that I was the initiator, the planner, the leader, and the senior. I wanted so badly for people to reach out to me, and when they didn’t, I thought that something was wrong with me or I wasn’t fun enough — I started to attack my self worth. It sucked. At first, I thought all of this was just in my head…just doubtful thoughts that weren’t real, but a close friend of mine had unknowingly hurt me which made me realize it wasn’t just in my head…it was real. People really didn’t want to hang out with me — even one of my closest friends. I started to question everything. Who were my friends? Did I make the wrong friends in my early years of college? How do you make friends? Do I even have friends? I’ll admit…it was bad. I started to question God, asking Him why He made me the way He did, why I had to try so hard to find community where community came to others so easily, why I was left with (once again) no community…the one thing I had always prayed for. I was frustrated and angry – I just didn’t want to try anymore.

As the semester went on, I was reminded by God and others that He had made me in His image. He was intentional and purposeful in creating me with the strengths and gifts that I have, and I was reminded of how He’s used those same strengths and gifts to glorify His kingdom — how He’s used me to further His kingdom and Epic. Even though I was reminded of these things, I still felt empty. I still felt lonely. I so desperately wanted to get out of this funk and move forward from this state of loneliness, but I just didn’t know how to.

Halfway through the semester everything was made clear to me.

During my church’s college group retreat, the speaker talked about how we needed to be in awe of God and the Word. The passion and weight of the speaker’s words really spoke to me. Everything I had heard before and during the retreat made me realize there was an underlying issue that I wasn’t even aware of. I didn’t love God as much as I used to. In the midst of my loneliness and everything else, the lens that I saw everyone around me in was negative and toxic. I wanted to spend time with people, but I also didn’t want to be around people. How does that even work??? Beats me lol. The love I had for God before was so great that it overflowed in my own life and to those around me, but I hated people — I didn’t want to be around anyone. It made me sad. Sad because I wasn’t seeing people the way God sees them, and I wasn’t seeing myself the way God saw me. Sad that I had lost this awe and love for Him that once overflowed from me.

I broke down crying.

I was so caught up in what I wanted and what I needed that I lost sight of God altogether. I was being selfish. I was so focused on myself that I had lost sight of God in the process of it all. Things that I had heard and read started flooding my thoughts.

>> A few weeks prior, a friend randomly sent me an article about self-worth and how it was about a lack of awe in God more than anything else. Intrigued, I read it.

Picture this.

You’re playing a game on your phone as you’re walking through a forest of tall redwood trees. A friend tells you to stop playing and look at the trees – you don’t hear them because you’re too engulfed in your game. Your friend, amazed at the trees, tells you again to stop playing and look at the trees. Reluctantly, you do it, but you tell yourself only for a split second because you’re in the middle of your game.

You look up.

Captivated, you’re struck by the size and magnitude of these trees. How the trees reach for the skies and stretch across for miles everywhere you turned. You were in awe and taken aback by the beauty of these magnificent trees and realizing how small you were in the grand scheme of things. Captivated, you forgot about your game. <<

It all made sense to me. I realized that I had put all my focus on myself and my lens on life was so small that all I could see was the loneliness, the pain, and the frustrations there were right in front of me and nothing else. I had questioned where God was through all of this not realizing that He was there the entire time. I just had to look up. Sometime during this, I read in a book “My prayers were futile because I was looking at my inadequacy instead of God’s adequacy”. I realized I had made God so small. I didn’t think He cared or that He could help me or that He even heard my cries of desperation, but the truth is He did. He had orchestrated this crazy plan to reveal how He was there for me and how much He loved me, but I was too blind to see it because I was so focused on myself.

Though this process was extremely hard and painful, God continued to seek me out and to reveal Himself to me. My whole mindset changed. My heart for people and for God, and the way I saw myself had been renewed.

As I’m now almost 4 weeks into my last semester of college, I’m beyond honored that God is using me to reach students on my campus. Though it may be physically and emotionally taxing at times, it is so cool to see how God is working in the hearts and lives of those around me, and I get to be a part of that! God is so cool.

So here’s to growth, pain, experiences, and more. Let’s go, God.

1/4 done.


I’m pathetic.

I think I’ve cried more times than I can count this whole year than all my years of living, and more often than not it has had to do with relationships. For a while now I’ve been feeling this sense of loneliness that I just can’t seem to shake off. It’s like this shadow that follows me into every life stage — a sort of lurking feeling that has seemed to engulf my being. Growing up, I never really felt like I fit in. In school, I was the really crazy/hyper/spastic Asian girl — the “weird” one. In dance, I was always the “bigger” girl — the one who teachers would tell to lose weight. In church, I wanted to talk about deeper things — about Jesus. I just never felt like I fit in anywhere.

I soon realized that I felt lonely around 8th grade, and I didn’t realize it until after I asked an older friend of mine, “Do you ever feel lonely?”. She replied, “Well, it comes with being a leader”. I was shocked. I didn’t think of myself as a leader, but as I looked back at all my interactions at church and within my grade, this idea that I was a “leader” became more apparent to me.

And so that was me. A leader. The person who always initiated, who always planned, who always made decisions, who always led the charge, the person that people looked to…It’s not a bad thing, no, but something I feel like I’ve been carrying this image around my whole life. It shouldn’t be a burden (and it isn’t), but it sure does feel like it is sometimes. You see…I think I’ve tricked my brain into thinking that I have to be a certain way, to act a certain way, to hold myself to a certain regard, that I’m expected to do certain things, that I have to be okay all. the. time. None of what I just mentioned is healthy whatsoever, haha, and I realize that. I wrote a blog post about hospitality a while back, and I think while it is a blessing to others — at times, it can be a curse to me. I definitely see the fruit and the reward in making people feel welcomed, loved, and at home, but I give and give and give and serve and serve and serve so much that I just feel empty by the end of it. Then, I’m just left with feeling apathetic, tired, and fake.

But see? This is why I’m pathetic. I shouldn’t even have to feel empty! Seeing the fruit and the reward of my servitude should be enough — it should be MORE than enough. Jesus alone should satisfy me, but He doesn’t. But why?! Why can’t I be satisfied with what Jesus has to offer me? It saddens me that I feel this emptiness inside of me that I know Jesus can fill, yet it remains empty still. I feel pathetic in that when I feel lonely, I cry. When I’m alone in my apartment, I cry. When my boyfriend leaves for the night, I cry. I cry for what seems to be all. the. time. I just feel pathetic. I feel lonely, but I don’t want to be needy. I want people, but I don’t know who to go to, who I can turn to, who would be willing to listen and go through this struggle with me. You’re probably thinking, “What?! You’re kidding, right? There are SO many people who love you, care for you, blahblahblah.” Yeah, that’s probably true, but the people that I have shared my life with, who I have  confided in, who I have been vulnerable with — don’t seem to have the same interest in wanting to pursue a relationship with me. So then I’m left once again to be by myself. Alone. Now you’re probably thinking, “Wait. Didn’t you say you had a boyfriend? What about him?”. Yes, you’re right, but when I want to go to him, he’s not always available or he has to go home or it’s late or it’s something. I feel like I can’t go to him when I want to, nor do I want to keep him from being with others. Also, as great of a guy he is, I need my girls. I need girls that I can live life with — girls that will stick by me through the end.

So yeah…I feel pathetic. I thought I was feeling better in combating against loneliness, but these floods of emotion just keep coming back to drown me. I’ve probably cried once a week since school started in late August, and so yeah, I think me feeling pathetic is pretty accurate. I honestly feel like a pathetic human being — an emotional, needy, lonely, pathetic little girl.



13720626_10210068458211911_1508416085_oI recently turned 21, and as I’m slowly entering into adulthood, I find myself looking back on this past year and how much I have grown in the midst of all the chaos. Going into my junior year this past fall, I was an executive officer for 2 positions for one of my organizations, and I was leading in 3 different parts of my college ministry. I didn’t realize it at first but that was a lot on my plate.

As the school year progressed, leadership was hard as we were trying to find our groove while transitioning into a completely different team dynamic from the year before. Countless arguments with stubborn views and opinions that were filled with frustration, hurt, and anger were had, and it was just tiring overall. Eventually, things were resolved, and I’m so thankful that we were all constantly striving for unity despite our misunderstandings and lack of communication. Somewhere along the line, I lost sight of why I wanted to do leadership. I felt inadequate in my abilities, and I found myself caring more about what other people thought than focusing my attention and efforts towards God. The year continued and leadership got better! Applications for leadership came around the corner, and I found myself feeling jaded and tired from having to work with people and resolve conflict to what felt like a daily routine. As I reflected on all the years I was on leadership, I saw that all my suffering was a result of leadership. I was really discouraged by that, and it made me not want to do leadership at all. I talked with people about it and realized that if I was choosing not to do leadership because I didn’t want to work with people…that’s not a good reason at all. I reflected some more on my years of leadership and was reminded of all the fruit that came from my labor and how God had worked in my life and through me to reach the lives of others. I saw that while ministry is hard and taxing at times, it is far more rewarding than you would ever expect at the end of the day. God then really challenged me in taking on my new role (only one this year haha) in that I knew this role would help me grow immensely, but I really just didn’t want God to mold me because growing to become more like Jesus is a painful (yet rewarding) journey. As I prayed for God to help me to be less reluctant to obey and to serve Him, He orchestrated a way for me to reread the story of Jesus calming the storms and how Jesus doesn’t want us to avoid the storms but to experience the storms with Him — to follow, obey, and trust in Him. Immediately after, I was like “Crap. Okay God, let’s do this. This is going to be hard, but let’s experience storms together.” At first, I thought we were only going to experience storms within the realm of leadership, but God really challenged my commitment throughout the month of April.

— I was leading our large group the first Wednesday of the month as well as spearheading a lock-in with the hospitality team for the following Friday. I also found out during the week that I was teaching Sunday School the following Sunday, so you can imagine how much time was put into prepping and executing those three things in the span of a few days could be. After Sunday was over, my big event for my other organization was that upcoming Friday. We had booths everyday leading up to Friday, and when Friday came, my laptop crashed on me which led to me breaking down during my leaders meeting. Immediately after, I had to prepare for the big event which was six hours long, and I was in charge of the dancing aspect which meant I had to be super energetic as I taught the dance and interacted with the attendees. I was exhausted by the end of that week also because my boyfriend and I were going through our own personal struggles that deeply affected our relationship. So not only was the week physically tiring but it was emotionally and spiritually draining as well. After those two crazy weeks, I was determined to spend A LOT of time with God to reconnect and to recharge with Him, so I decided to read Daniel. The week went on and everything was great. That weekend, I went to a youth leader retreat with my church, and on Saturday, I received a text from my mom. She had told me that my dog was missing since the night before and that my dad had gotten into an accident a few hours before she sent me the text. I freaked out, naturally, because this wasn’t the first time my dog had gone missing, so I thought there was no way that we’d be lucky enough to find my dog again, especially since she had been gone for a longer period this time around. My mom didn’t give me any details about my dad’s accident, so I was scared that he had been badly injured…or worse. I was terrified and broke down in tears, and as I called my mom to get more information, I found myself feeling so helpless in that I was 4 hours away from home, and I couldn’t be there physically to see how my dad was doing or to continue searching for my dog. So all I did was pray, pray, and pray some more. I journaled and read Daniel and came across Daniel 6:27. God really spoke to me in that He is a god that delivers and rescues and perform signs and wonders on earth and in heaven. I found out a couple of days later that even though the car was totaled, my dad was completely fine, and a friend of a friend found my dog and brought her to the animal shelter. It was then that I realized God was testing my faith and trust in  Him as we experienced these storms together. Though those experiences were difficult and hard, God was so, so, so good. I saw God work through these storms, and I saw myself clinging closer to Him, trusting that He would provide in my time of need. —

I saw that when all 3 parts of my life overlapped (ministry, organization, school) life got REALLY crazy. It was hard to manage my time, to get rest, and to invest in each thing full heartedly. Life was crazy. But through it all, God was constant, He was so good to me, and He provided in ways that I would never have imagined with school, ministry, organization stuff, and even in my relationships.

You see, I’ve wanted a boyfriend since maybe late middle school because everyone around me had one or had a “thing” with someone and though I’ve had many “things” with guys, I’ve never been in an actual relationship with someone before. I always told myself, and other people, that I wasn’t going to jump into any relationship but that I would think and pray A LOT because since it would be my first, I wanted to make sure I was entering for the right reasons and that it would be a good relationship. I came up with this mentality because I’ve heard way too many stories about fallen relationships with guys that just weren’t right for my friends, so naturally, I wanted to avoid that as much as possible. I found that through all my “things” that I had, there was a lot of insecurities about myself that formed or previous struggles about my identity and self-worth that were amplified as a result of these “things” I had with different guys. Especially after last year’s fiasco, I put up a huge barricade to cover all the other walls that I had built up. I told my friends that I just wanted a guy who would chase after my heart and make me feel like I’m worth pursuing and fighting for. I even told people that I was so done with guys and how I was okay if I was single for the rest of undergrad. Lo and behold, God was working. The friendship that my now boyfriend and I had when we first met developed over the year as we got to know each other more. We didn’t realize it at first, but we concluded that we unconsciously liked each other for what was probably a long time. I’ll spare you the details, haha, but basically we were just chatting one night and we somehow ended up defining our relationship. As we unraveled all of our past interactions together, it became clear to us that we really enjoyed each others’ company and that we had unintentionally become “more than friends”. Before the end of the night, he told me he wanted to pursue me and tell me his testimony. When I first played around with the idea of dating him back in November, I thought to myself there’s no way he would like me or I would like him, and when we DTR’d in January, I questioned whether or not I did like him because I wasn’t sure. As I was praying for God to tell me if I should enter into this relationship or not, a big thing that was made clear to me was when my now boyfriend said, out of the blue, “Also, I really like your heart”. He had never heard me say that before, and it was then that I was like “Oh man. Okay God, is this for real? Is what I have been praying for so long actually happening?” I was still a little reluctant to enter because frankly, I was scared. I was scared to tear down all those walls I had built up, scared to get hurt again, scared to let someone into my life and all my struggles and insecurities, but with six months nearing, it has been a huge blessing to have him in my life. As I reflect on our relationship, I see how God has worked in both of our lives as individuals and as a couple, and I see how God-given this relationship is. Though the hardest part about being in a relationship is probably experiencing struggles together, it is also so rewarding to overcome those struggles together with God working in the middle of it all.

Anyway, the point of this whole post is a lot has happened this past year, and as I look back and reflect on this year, I’ve seen God work in my life and through me too. I have seen God challenge me through doing Bible study for church, through all aspects of ministry, and just experiencing life in general. Through it all though, God has been so good to me and has blessed me with friends and family who care very deeply about me — people who care about my well-being both spiritually and physically. I now know why birthdays have always meant so much to me, and it’s because I’m surrounded by people I love and who love me too. I’m reminded of how God has worked in each of those relationships and how God has blessed me with such a loving community and true friends who will drive up 4 hours to celebrate my birthday with me. I’m reminded of God’s love that is shown through each of my friends and family members and just how ultimately good God is. 21 is a big deal, not just because I can legally drink now hahah, but because I’m nearing adulthood. I’m one step closer to entering the “real world”, and I’m that much closer to making many more steps in the wrong direction as I’m finding my place in the world. But hey, here’s to 21! Here’s to many more memories, adventures, and lessons to learn from this crazy journey called life.


Feebly Me – Pt. 1

Within the first two weeks of the new semester, I blacked out and had a stomach virus.

– Wait, what?! –

Yeah…so it all happened when I was waiting in line to watch the movie premiere of “13 hours”. I think there was a lot of different things that played a part in why I blacked out, but for now…I’m just going to say McDonald’s. Okay, so maybe I should back up a little bit haha. A couple of hours before I headed out, I was trying to figure out meetings times for multiple groups, people were asking me questions, and my phone was basically exploding with notifications, but you see, that’s normal for me. I think what was really stressful about those two hours was that everything was just so up in the air and so chaotic and not in order that I was freaking out inside. What made it worse was when we were trying to find parking at the stadium. My friend and I were meeting two of our other friends who were already in line to enter, so I wanted to find parking as soon as possible.  We thought the movie started at 5:30pm, and it was 6pm by the time we reached the stadium and all of the parking lots said “Lot Full” but cars were still driving into them, so I thought I could do the same. Boy, was I wrong. As soon as I drove into one of the full lots, the lady who was stationed there yelled, “THE LOT IS FULL! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! THE LOT. IS FULL! BACK UP. BACK UP. BACK UP. BACK UP!!!!!!”, and immediately after I started freaking out “OMGOMGOMGOMG I’M SORRY OKAY GOSH WHY YOU LETTIN’ PEOPLE IN THEN. You didn’t have to get all mad about it. You could’ve just let me in so I can drive around and find parking…” except, you know, I said this all in my car. So then we decided to park at the Walmart across the street and walk over, but as soon as we got across, another lady was like “I hope you guys didn’t park at Walmart because you’re going to get towed”. We decided to stay there and we walked over to the entrance only to find out the movie actually started at 8pm and my purse was too big to be allowed in the stadium, so we had to walk back to Walmart to drop my purse off. We decided to grab food at McDonald’s, find actual parking at the stadium, and then we proceeded to walk to the entrance…again. We scarfed down the food, and as soon as we were standing in line, that’s when it all went down…literally.

I first got abdominal pain, so I sat down in line because I thought it would make me feel better. It did at first but then the line was moving, so I had to get up. As we were walking, I started feeling light-headed and seeing spots, so I grabbed my friend’s shoulder to hold onto as the line was moving. My body grew heavier and before I knew it, everything went black for a split second and then I was sitting on the ground. I decided to stay down (duh), but I was more touched that the people around me were concerned and asked if I was okay or if I needed help as soon as I went down. The EMT rushed over and made everyone back up to give me space, and they started asking me all these questions. After they gave me a cup of water and everything, I was feeling a lot better, and I then hopped onto the golf cart that brought me to the stadium’s first aid area. At this point, it was 7:45pm or so and the first aid people asked me more questions, had me fill out some forms, and they checked my vitals. They told me I was extremely pale and said I could stay as long as I needed to stay. A little bit before 8:30pm, I asked my friend if we could just go back to my apartment so I could shower and sleep and if he could drive us back as well. I got back home, took a shower, watched an episode of America’s Next Top Model (woohoo!), and went to sleep around 11pm. I was pretty tired and weak the next day, but afterwards, I was back to normal.

Overall, it was a really weird and scary but kind of fun experience for me. Weird and scary in the sense that I had no idea what was going on with my body and that I wasn’t feeling well, but fun in terms of “first experiences”. It was my first time blacking out like that, having EMT rush to my side, getting my vitals checked, sitting in a stretcher at the first aid area, and overall it was a pretty fun experience considering that I was cracking jokes here and there with the first aid staff. All in all, I was just glad that my friend was there and that I was back to my normal self the next day (: Yay feebly me.

Feebly Me – Pt. 1