something that i’ve been told quite a few times (and started to take note of thereafter) is “you don’t need to justify yourself – you’re/it’s okay”. the first time someone told me that i was taken aback because i didn’t realize that was what i was doing. since then i was more self-aware and began to realize it wasn’t just a one time thing – it was a tendency of mine.
as more of these instances occurred i wondered where this stemmed from and why i felt there was a need to justify myself…like all the time. after having moved home, i realized it happened a lot more and that’s when it dawned on me that it has a lot to do with my family dynamic and how we function as a unit.
being the youngest, i was never really taken seriously. what i mean by that is that what i said didn’t seem to have or hold any value and i had to fight to be heard and fight to make my point. i think especially being the youngest, my parents still see me as a kid even though i’m about to go to grad school and therefore have a hard time trusting me when it comes to doing things in the real world because to them because i’m a child i don’t know any better and they know better. so as a result they don’t take what i have to say to heart or trust what i’m saying as quickly compared to my oldest brother.
while that makes sense, it doesn’t make it okay either. i think instead of realizing what was happening, my brain just kicked in always trying to get in the last word, to be heard, and for my words/thoughts to hold strong to its value. i believe also as a result of that, my parents assumed they know what i’m about to say or are trying to get at so they cut me off before i’m able to complete my thought and me being me, i get frustrated so i feel the need to explain to them what i was going to say. or i feel the need to justify my actions/words because they got it completely wrong. and so all of this is to say i really felt that my words were misunderstood a lot of the time, and when that happens when i interact with people, everything instinctively kicks in thus bringing out this justification idea.
it’s an interesting concept about myself to think about but it’s definitely a thing and it makes a whole lot of sense when i trace it back to how it formed and grew over time.
it’s something i don’t need to do but i feel the need to do. but in a way by justifying myself, i’m looking to others to validate my thoughts/feelings and seeking value for my words through their recognition and i don’t need to prove my words have value/weight when i have that in God already. sure, people will misunderstand/disregard what i have to say from time to time but it doesn’t mean my worth/value should waver as a result of it and that’s something i’ve come to stand by as i’ve reflected on this idea more and more. my worth and value stand firm in Christ and nothing and no one else so really, there is no need for me to justify myself to prove to them and myself that i am valuable when i am valued by the Lord Most High.