COVID-19

*initially drafted in march 2020

is this how you pictured life would be like…2 months ago? a few weeks ago? last week?

it wasn’t long ago that we were celebrating the new year and mourning the death of a beloved NBA player. whispers of the coronavirus had made its way over to the states which were quickly swept away with the wind only to come back a tornado, wreaking havoc a month later. all people were talking about was the coronavirus. what was true, what was false, what were doctors and government officials and other countries saying about it and the list goes on. everywhere you turned, there it was.

i’d say i’m generally pretty introspective so needless to say, i’ve had a lot of thoughts on this virus and the impact it’s had on the world. but here are some very raw and very real thoughts i’ve had over the past couple of months and onwards in, as my professors say, this very fluid situation.

[[ THOUGHTS ]]

late jan 2020 – early feb 2020
– ok, another virus.
– i get the memes are funny but it’s also not okay, people are dying! but it makes sense people are joking about it because it hasn’t become our reality…we haven’t felt the impact of it, it being in china right now. and maybe people are deflecting to humor as a way to cope, who knows.
– oh no, now this virus is being associated with asian people? i really hope i don’t have to experience any racial attacks or of that sort…
– parents are telling me that chinatown has lost half its patrons and restaurants are losing >50% of their business. the fear towards chinese people and this virus are way too real. thank goodness we haven’t seen this kind of frenzy in san antonio yet.
– i suddenly get sick during clinic. my first thought: OH MY GOD I HOPE THEY DON’T THINK I HAVE CORONAVIRUS OH NO.
– why is this fear of being racially attacked growing…i’m super conscious about when i cough/sneeze, preparing myself to hear some retort or comment regarding my race and this virus…
– ok, i’m traveling to sf soon, let’s do some research and gather some facts. (goes to CDC’s website)
– so what i’m seeing here is that the symptoms are really similar to that of the flu or cold??? and the only precautions to take are the ones we all should be doing anyway??? i’m confused. why is this virus being blown out of proportion?? PEOPLE SHOULD BE DOING THESE PRECAUTIONS ANYWAY.
– parents are calling me non stop about being careful and taking these precautions. i’m frustrated that people are seeing these call to actions as something new that they’ve never heard before like a “WHAT? OMG WE NEED TO DO THAT? OK” like what. no. we’ve learned about this since we were children. and also, i’m more likely to catch something from my classmates before i catch this virus. and i don’t ever want to miss school so i make sure i keep myself clean and healthy during sick peak season cuz people be coming to school sick or freshly recovered like no, go away. don’t touch me. don’t even look at me.

late feb 2020 – early march 2020
– i’m going home soon but before that i’m going to dallas. parents are FREAKING THE HELL OUT because there are new and more cases where home is. dad super speed mails me masks for my trip to dallas (i flew there). i think it’s a little extra considering that i just flew to SF, had a layover in LA, and flew back to TX and i was fine soooooooo iono. i didn’t end up using it. mom was freaking out and telling me to stay away from people…kinda hard to do when you’re on a plane…
– parents are still freaking out. i’m supposed to take the bus back from dallas, but turns out my mom has a meeting in dallas that she was debating on going to…she’s decided to go so that i can drive back with her instead of take the bus in order to be super duper extra careful. my mom was even willing to stay longer than she needed to in order to take me home. again, a lil extra but i get it. plus the ticket was only $3 which made not going on the bus an even easier choice. also didn’t want mom to drive to/from dallas in one day by herself…that’s just cruel.

mid march 2020 – end of april 2020
– i’m home now for spring break. streets and restaurants that are normally bustling with people are emptier than i’ve ever seen. this is weird.
– my dad’s sick, wth. he went to the doctor and they said it was allergies…okay sure. but dude dade why are you not wearing a mask?! what if you have something even if it’s not the virus? also why are you still going to work?! ughhhhh
– i get a few days of freedom of hanging with friends in restaurants and the mall but then the city goes into social quarantine. school’s definitely affected.
– mom and i get sick, spring break gets extended a week to determine what school would look like
– friends are nice as they deliver food/goodies to me because i can’t (and shouldn’t) be going out, being sick and all
– anxiety was growing in the earlier weeks of quarantine. everywhere you looked people were posting about covid and stats and how each city was doing, how the virus was spreading. had to take a break from it all because it was all so overwhelming
– new instagram story covid trends started. was getting tagged almost for multiple things (bingo, inception stories, challenges) for a week or so. everyone was doing it.
– thank goodness for technology in being able to still connect with people.
– sure there was a lot of plans that got turned upside down and people getting sick, but there was good in it too. time and time again, we see humanity come together to help one another. covid was no different.
– got to connect w/ people that i normally wouldn’t have been able to (more difficult to). MC sg, YAGIRLS, 5714, brudder.
– mom tests positive for covid, a grueling process.
– school is now online through zoom for the rest of the semester.
– didn’t really go out much because 1) exposure to mom and covid so quarantine was in session 2) no need to 3) school kept me busy
– dog ran away multiple times. turns out she’s small/skinny enough
– i make a trip back to school to get my car and other essential items. roads were also so empty, crazy.
– school ends and i celebrate by going out to buy tapioca, cfa, and honestly driving in itself was amazing after being quarantined for almost a month. oh, and i blasted disney music as well :’)
– ppe 2 gets disintegrated. ppe 3 and 4 are longer. wow, this messes things up big time. but what can u do. it makes deciding on my future easier but harder??
– pre-covid, i had been thinking about my future on what city what i wanted to be in for rotations. home has always been a conflicting spot for me and so at the time i was trying milk all the time i could from sa as possible but after being home, i’m like home is good. home is nice.
– i thought i was better with personal crap but when i got school stuff, nope. everything still struck the wrong chord and what i heard was not music to my ears.
– learning about burns and wounds was much better than cardiopulm. thank goodness.
– i utilized my bedroom window to talk and exchange items with friends like a modern juliet 😛
– things have calmed down. found my new normal. got to reconnect w/ old hobbies. made dance videos. learned piano pieces. met up with people while maintaining social distancing.

may 2020 – june 2020
– last didactic semester. finally.
– thankful that we’re going straight into semester 6 and it’s happening via zoom, def would’ve been harder if it happened how it was supposed to
– ppe 3 is set. yaaaaaaaay. stressful. how do you plan for a future of so many unknowns? doesn’t seem practical. covid will just strike again.
– june and july weddings are still happening. i need to respond. stress. anxiety. guilt. fear. weighing pros and cons. feeling irrational? not sure. confused. concerned. all of the above.
– why are people having weddings still. i get it, financials. but at what risk? is losing that much money worth putting that many guests (100+) and yourself in harms way? seems irresponsible. seems unsafe. especially if those involved are scared of covid as well or don’t care about the ceremony. then why keep going? plenty of alternatives. courthouse, backyard, family only, big celebration later. i know each couple and situation is different so there’s that. i know i can’t speak into the situation because i’m not living it so i will never know the depth of what these couples are feeling and the weight of the decisions they have to make and accept the consequences that come with it. never. so ya hate on me, whatever.

july 2020
– welp. i’m going to my 1st big social gathering since covid happened. my friend’s wedding. she took a lot of precautionary measures to make sure everyone was as safe as possible. guests sitting every other row and 6 feet apart, less guests, fewer people/table at the reception, masks on, etc. first time eating in a restuarant since march and with a big group of people, i covered my mouth with my mask in between each bite haha i was anxious. i wiped down everything in my hotel room and had my chlorox wipes ready to go. being a bridesmaid during covid was hard because there were so many more pictures and once you had your make up on, i didn’t feel like i could put my mask on because it would ruin it so we all didn’t have our masks on while we were in the bridal suite shrugs. oh well. there was a dance floor but we all had our masks on which made things very hard to breathe 😡 overall was an okay experience i guess. weddings during covid just look so different than before. bless those who have had/are having a wedding during this time.
– celebrated my birthday not how i was expecting or hoping. i was supposed to be in sa, ending my rotation on my birthday. was gonna celebrate with all my sa friends. ended up going to my friend’s wedding dress rehearsal on my birthday was feeling sad and grieving that loss of mine. but friends still made my day feel special. i felt selfish and silly for feeling sad about my birthday when i feel like other people have grieved bigger things like weddings, graduations. but everyone’s grieving something whether it’s big or small and in the end, it was okay to grieve my thing too.

august 2020 – october 2020
– welp. starting rotations and going back to pre-covid life of seeing people everyday and driving to work. was definitely on high alert and feeling anxious still, especially when patients were breathing on my arm or not wearing their masks on correctly.
– wearing masks and a face shield while working with patients is HARD. i definitely don’t get to drink as much water as i should or could.
– had a covid scare. one of my patients had to take their mask off during the session because they were coming in for facial paralysis. we had our masks on but they tested positive for covid later. was really concerned and confused that the clinic didn’t have a protocol for us to follow if exposed to someone who has covid??? weird. also last day of rotation, there was no one at the door doing covid screenings!! i was so confused.
– even though you’re wearing gloves, doesn’t mean your controlling your infection…saw a PT wear gloves and work on a patient’s feet. then the PT touched their hair, goggles, laptop, phone…and i was like O_O THE PATIENT’S FEET ARE ALL OVER YOU NOW. be wary of what your hands are touching even if you’re wearing gloves, kids.
– wasn’t sure if i wanted to go to my sa church, which was meeting in person, because of covid but since i was living pre-covid life i felt more bold in going out to things and hanging with people as long as we were being safe and whatnot.
– learned to be accommodating with other peoples’ comfort levels since people were still feeling iffy about covid in general. but glad that there were others who were at the same level as me so that we could hang out.
– was cool to see how stores and museums had made changes to ensure people were safe like stylus for interactive exhibits, screens, hand sanitizer, etc. although i get excited there’s hand sanitizer, i get immediately really annoyed/sad when the sanitizer makes me feel more dirty after (sticky, smells really bad, really liquidy)
– masks and face shields are important but hate that i started breaking out on my forehead and cheeks >( i used face shields that had the sponge on the front.

november 2020 – december 2020
– started my rotation in the hospital. was still feeling anxious because these are the places where patients with covid are staying and being treated. luckily i wasn’t going to have to see those patients but still, just being in the same area is like eek!!
– we were given these huge face shields that was put on similar to a helmet. really heavy. the front part would flip upwards and it’d get so tight that i’d have a headache too. within a few weeks, we transitioned to the glasses frame face shields – which i love!! i’d be able to wear my glasses and nothing’s touching my face so i wasn’t breaking out on my forehead anymore yay
– when i first started, patients with covid were only on one side of one floor but by the end of the year, those with covid started overflowing to other floors. crazy. the spike was definitely real during holiday seasons.
– mom wanted to have people over for thanksgiving. i didn’t want anyone in our house cuz who knows where you’ve been. cool to see how we and other  families became creative with celebrating. we had everyone outside with everyone sitting at their own table 6+ feet apart. definitely not ideal but it did the job.
– lots of people in the hospital are sick and really don’t do a good job of covering their mouths when they cough or something. so i’ve had my fair share of patients coughing on me as i’m putting a belt on them or holding them up. i’ve touched stuff that’s wet and i’m like WHY AM I WET. and while they were negative for covid…it’s like well you could be asymptomatic or that could have been a false negative…so who knows really if those people actually had covid or not…pretty sure at this point i have had covid at some point lol especially with my last rotation in aug-oct when no one was getting tested for covid, not like during a hospital admission
– bigger push for people to stay indoors and not to go to family gatherings for the holidays. grocery stores, malls, restaurants were all still so packed though. more and more places are doing dine in. and now that it’s getting colder, it’s harder to gather outdoors for meals/hangouts. thank goodness there were warmer days.
– had another wedding to go to and they also tried their best to keep things safe. multiple sets of chairs paired at their ceremony all 6 feet apart, less people at each table for reception, no dance floor, masks on, sanitizer at each table and personal sharing utensil, etc. i was sad there was no dance floor but it makes sense. so i just danced on my own off to the side haha
– the vaccine is up and coming and the big news. big rush to get info out and to get people vaccinated. lots of general public apprehension towards it and a lot of questions, understandably. i felt a lil skeptical about it too. what were the long term effects? do we really know if it prevents people from getting covid? is it more like the flu shot or a true vaccine like chicken pox. all in all, i knew i didn’t have enough information and going into the research and articles was really overwhelming so i opted to not dive deeper into the vaccine lol. friends started getting vaccines and a lot more people were sharing information so that was sufficient for me.
– no travel plans this year. was going to try to see family in MD but driving was too far and going on a plane seemed not ideal either even though a lot of people have been traveling everywhere lately and are saying planes are safe. all in all, MD and TX were too hot of spots with covid that traveling and visiting just weren’t in the cards for us. sad. we stayed home and christmas seemed like any other day except we sat around the table to eat instead of on our own lol.
– my dad went to taiwan and back. super proud of how eva airlines has been taking covid seriously. having flights every couple of days rather than everyday to allow for proper disinfection. and being quarantined straight away once you land for 2 weeks. dad was fine and coming back didn’t have any symptoms either. so that’s good. but was definitely worried and hoping nothing bad was going to happen.
– a lot of my healthcare friends in sa were able to get the vaccine because their school is associated with the hospital over there so people were asking if i was going to get it too because i was in healthcare but nope my school doesn’t have that connection even though they’re working on it 😛
– started to feel more bummed out about covid. i had been considering other peoples’ comfort levels for such a long time that i was growing fatigued with continuing that into the end of the year. moving back home was hard because my friends are home bodies, more concerned about covid, busy, and live further away. a drastic difference from life back in sa. it was a hard transition and i felt sad that people were taking  forever to respond or just flat out rejecting my offers to spend time together even if it was safe. i fought hard to remind myself that it’s not that they don’t want to hang with ME but that it was just bad timing or circumstances. but things started to turn around during christmas time as people were more free and willing. it was definitely hard to reconciile being considerate and respectful of other peoples’ wishes and their needs when my own needs weren’t able to be met even though they’ve been expressed. being an ambivert is hard, especially when extrovert me comes out to play. it took a lot of positive self talk and reframing my thoughts to focus on the good and the people who i was able to hang out with.

january 2021
– i wasn’t in a rush to get the vaccine. mostly because i feel like i’ve probably had covid already and the way i’ve been keeping myself safe with social distancing and hygiene has gotten me through thus far. i know, it’s a terrible reason. but i was okay to get it whenever that was possible. butttt i know it’s highly likely i could get it from my patients even if i’m super careful. in that split second that i’m not able to sanitize, i could get it so
– my mom on the other hand, i feel like she’s been doing a mad dash to try to get it. it gave me vibes of those zombie movies where people are scrounging for food/resources/vaccines lol. all in all, i was able to get the vaccine but not after dealing with so much confusion…
– the distribution system is terrible right now. ppl said you could just walk in and get the shot but how do you know if they have enough? and it’s not ensured that you’re going to get it if you go because other people have appts or whatnot…and who has precedent to get it? there was no verification that i was indeed a healthcare worker, they just took my word for it. i got turned away twice…1st time they said they ran out and to fill out a form the next business day but then mom’s employees were able to get it after i left so WHAT. clearly did not run out…2nd time, said they ran out and weren’t going to open another box for the day. as i was leaving, a diff pharmacist was like wait are you turning her away? we have one more she can take…and i was like r u SERIOUS. communication and organization are still lacking. the system for setting up appointments and who can get it vs not is lacking. i’d like to hope that it’s just because this is so new that they’re still finding their  footing and getting themselves organized. i hope so for the sake of future vaccine appts…
– i’ve been doing my fair share of venturing out and spending time with people but i know where i stand in terms of comfort and safety and everything but ofc understandably, others don’t know that. i was faced with my first confrontation of my behavior…i had posted a story of my friend and i hanging out inside a store with our masks off. someone messaged me back asking “but y are you guys hanging out insideeee”. while i understand the consideration and concern, i couldn’t help but interpret that as judgement of like seriously??? stay indoors, don’t hang out. but there was no one in the shop when we first got there and it was too cold outside to be there and we had our masks on the entire time only except when we drank and took that picture. like ask questions before you go out and judge people. i had always told my other friends to post that they were at a wedding like who cares. you know what you’re doing, they’re gonna judge regardless. and so that’s what i did. i just didn’t expect someone to actually confront me about my behavior. covid is weird.

february 2021 – may 2021

– more and more people are getting vaccinated
– in march sometime, governor abbott lifted the mask mandate for all of texas…and ofc cases rose afterwards. more and more businesses were opening their doors again since 100% capacity was allowed now…
– even though i’m fully vaccinated, entering cheesecake factory and seeing it at 100% capacity with multiple lines going out of the doors made me so anxious. it’s crazy to think we used to live that way before…
– there are new variants and people are still concerned about whether or not the vaccine is good. will it protect us from these new variants? who knows lol but i guess better to get the vaccine than to get covid itself so 😛
– attacks on the APPI community are increasing and getting more attention. i’m tired. felt so overwhelmed with everything that was happening on social media. people would ask me what my thoughts were on it and i just didn’t have the words for it nor was i up to speed with everything. it was this push and pull of the black lives matter movement and asian lives matter that it seemed like doing one thing was right but doing something else was wrong. everyone had an opinion on something and that something was wrong in someone else’s eyes. i’m exhausted. i had growing fears that something would happen to me, as an asian-american, or to my parents because they’re older asians. i was scared that one day one of my patients would say ‘i don’t want to be treated by her, an asian…’ i had already experienced at least 20 different microaggressions from other therapists and patients that when i finally shared it all to my counselor, it left my body shaking.
– i told my parents about all that had happened…the shooting at the korean owned spa, elderly asians getting attacked on the streets, etc. and they all blamed some other ethnic group for what happened because “that’s just who they are”. the generational differences on racism is so different. i called them out and corrected them but it was still just so wow to me.
– bc people were getting vaccinated, people felt more comfortable with no masks and hanging out and hugging and stuff. more recently, been sharing food and drinks and it does feel a little bit more normal. are we being careless? are we just fatigued from everything? maybe it’s a little bit of both.
– covid still doesn’t stop people from getting married lol. went to 1 in march and 1 in april.
– SO happy that i was able to have an in person graduation. they made it possible and it was just such a momentous time. i got emotional walking down the field.
– can’t believe that it’s been ore than a year of covid. w i l d. and we’re still dealing with its effect. india is struggling righ now and the US may never reach herd immunity because of the variants and people being reluctant to get vaccinated.
– i’m tired and over it haha. i don’t think there will be any more thoughts on this than i already have but it’s been a trip. i even feel like the language and words i use show how fatigued i am by it all from when i first started the blog til now.
– definitely feels a sense of returning to normalcy. like people are traveling more and i think the vaccine gives people a sense of comfort and safety for sure. definitely still hearing of people passing away because of covid. covid is definitely still a real thing. and even though it feels somewhat normal again, i’m definitely still cautious. still excessively washing my hands, and i’ve definitely adapted my lifestyle to fight off covid and sickness in general.
– definitely still interested to see how this will play out in the history books…